7. Family and Friends

Your mental illness affects your family, friends, co-workers, and others. You may have reached out to them for support. Some people may have offered you assistance or advice out of concern for your well-being. This may or may not have been a good thing.

You may have people in your life who can help in different ways. Some may know exactly what you need and can be there to provide it. Others may not know how to help. Still others may think they’re helping but are really making things worse. In theory, you can decide who joins your mental health journey and how. Realistically, some people have a hard time hearing no. It can be equally hard to ask for help.

This chapter has a few tips on how others can help you, or at least reduce the stress they’re causing you.

Education

Learning about your illness is one of the best ways that people can help you. Most people don’t know a lot about mental illness, and what they know may not be accurate or relevant. Learning can be something you do with them or that they do on their own.

As far as what to learn, the more conservative, mainstream, or generally accepted, the better. Those with a good foundation in the basics will be most helpful. You may have friends and family who want to share a silver bullet, a quick and easy fix. But, to be blunt, you don’t need people with one-track minds nagging you to try some fantastic diet they saw on the internet. Instead, what does help are supporters who learn about your illness and the treatment options professionals suggest. You want people around to talk with who will hear what you’re saying. Be aware, too, that different people learn at different rates, and mental health has a steep learning curve.

Many people may struggle to understand what’s going on in your head. This is particularly true if they haven’t experienced significant mental illness themselves. They’re never going to know exactly what’s going on, but some insight goes a long way in appreciating why you react the way you do to certain things. Being confronted with “what on earth were you thinking?” is rarely helpful to anyone. However, there is a large body of mental health writing that can help. While everyone’s experience is different, many excellent books share first-person accounts of mental illness.1

Support

Friends and family can do many practical things to support you during your struggle with mental illness.

Very simply, they can just be there for you. They can sit with you quietly, listen when you want to talk, or give you space when you need it.

They can offer to help with daily tasks, such as doing errands, cleaning, or making dinner. Eating healthy and staying hydrated are both important. Going for walks or engaging in other forms of exercise or activities are easier to do with a partner. Encouraging connections can help, but supporters need to be mindful of the difference between offering or encouraging and pushing or nagging. Helping needs a gentle touch.

This equally applies to talking with you about your illness. It’s stressful if they back you into a corner and force you to talk right then and there. It’s better if they let you know they’re available when you’re ready. Noticing you’re having a bad day and asking if you want to talk about it can be helpful. It’s even better if they appreciate that “no” or “maybe later” are perfectly acceptable answers.

Keeping in mind that people just want to help, here are some useful responses when friends or family offer advice or assistance you don’t need or want:

• “I greatly appreciate your help. But what I need most right now is help with…”

• “Right now, I’m just not up for discussing this. Why don’t you ask again in a few days if I’d feel ready to talk then?”

• “I’m trying to simplify and not do too many things at once.”

• “My doctor and I have discussed options and are working closely on treatment, but it will take some time.”

Have a code word that you share with friends and family. Use it when you’re out in public with them and feeling unsafe, in crisis, or extremely stressed. It’s a subtle way to alert them that you are distressed without informing other people about your personal business. Discuss ahead of time how your supports should react when they hear your code word. For instance, should they take you home?

The worst thing people can do is overreact to your every word and emotion. These are not signs that things are getting worse and that your illness must be dealt with right now. Some people seem unable to resist continually offering advice though this is also unhelpful. When listening, it’s usually best if people try only to listen, and not to fix what’s wrong. If you do want advice or help problem solving, be very clear when is a good time for this and when is not.

Appointments

Your friends and family can also help more directly with your mental health treatment.

You may struggle during medical appointments. You may forget things you wanted to share, or have trouble answering questions or even finding the right words. You may confuse or not even hear the information, advice, or instructions given to you.

Having someone there with you can help, even if it’s only to take notes. Talk with your support person about your goals for each appointment beforehand so they can remind you to bring up specific points. As an outsider, they may feel more comfortable asking clarifying questions that can help you, too. Tell them if there are certain things you want them to say or not to say.

Afterwards, they can help you debrief and prepare for the next appointment. Reviewing material with someone else helps you better understand and remember it. They can help you update your notebook. Later in the book, we’ll show you various organizational tools to keep your treatment on track. Friends and family can help with those too. They can also assist with any reading or research you need to do.

Sometimes a treatment provider might ask for someone close to you to become involved. They can provide collateral information, sharing their perspective on how you’re doing. If you’re comfortable with this, it can be very useful, as it is natural for people around you to notice things you don’t see yourself. Sometimes family meetings can help with treatment decisions or let supporters learn how best they can help. Discuss with your provider beforehand what information they can share, and what is off limits. Family therapy (e.g., marriage counselling) can reduce conflicts affecting your mental health.